Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

You can read about it here.

Whatever that guy did seems to work. To go from $800 to $350 million in 2 weeks is pretty impressive. If he had insider knowledge, he'd have to have it in a lot of companies.

My vote is that he actually is a time traveller. You heard it here first.

That's it. I'm done. My bracket is finished. I can gain no more points.

Go [insert anyone except for Texas]! Woo!

You and me and baby minus me makes two.

I've added 35 more tracks to my playlist. I know that you're excited because of it. Check it out here.

It seems like I have picked the losing team in every close game so far in this tournament. In fact, I can only think of two (Maryland vs UNCW, and Arizona vs Gonzaga) where I've actually picked the team that won. I've got at least 10 games that I've lost by a total of 25 points.

I wonder if it's possible for freaking Texas to get any more calls. Oh you play for Texas? Well then, I didn't see that elbow to the head. Oh, you're a Long Horn? Hey, take as many steps as you want.

What a piece of crap.

That team just IS NOT GOOD!

Busy.

So busy.

I actually think I just strained my back, but it hurts like a *insert thing that hurts here*. If I sit straight up and breathe it feels like someone is punching me in my kidneys. Ow.

Did you ever get the feeling that you have ebola?

It makes my back hurt.

My vote for hottest news-woman goes to Fox News' Alisyn Camerota.

T.J. Ford is not going to be a good NBA player, I can guarantee it. Just watching him against Purdue I saw that every time he touched the all he was completely out of control. One leg was flailing in the air. His torso was twisting in every direction. If he tries that crap in the NBA he'll get a face full of fist. I can't wait.

I now want Butler to make the championship game, where, with any luck, they will lose to Arizona.

Thanks a lot Butler. You just completely screwed up my bracket.

After watching the war coverage last night, after the first missiles and bombs hit, it struck me that as they were showing live pictures of Baghdad the people driving around were obeying the stop lights. I have to believe that if I were there and buildings were blowing up near me, the last thing on my mind would be to obey the traffic laws. There weren't even any other cars around and they were still stopping at the lights.

How this happened I do not know, but I left Lisa Guerrero off of my top 10. Clearly a big oversight on my part.

How is it that other countries can be so blind and cowardly when it comes to their own ideas? There was unanimous support for giving Iraq one last chance to disarm, and if they didn't there would be "serious consequences." What exactly did they mean by serious consequences? Apparently France, Germany, Russia, etc meant "Hey. Stop that please. Hey. I mean it this time."

It's time to put up or shut up. You're either committed to a free world, or you're not.

Frenchie Le Gay.

Service engine soon.

Those comments are stupid. I request that they be stricken from the record.

Problems with Iraq? Problems with Iran? Bomb 'em both and tell them you have spelling problems.

Problems with some countries on the security coucil? Beat them around a little bit, toss 'em a few million dollars, and tell them to call back when they want a rematch.

What's that France? You're a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys?

Top 10 women I'd like to date, assuming they were single of course, and that they'd be able to handle my stardom.

1. Elizabeth Hurley
2. Angie Everhart
3. Famke Janssen
4. Paige Davis
5. Natalie Portman
6. Rachel Leigh Cook
7. Ashley Judd
8. Brooke Langton
9. Jennifer Garner
10. Traylor Howard

Honorable mention goes to that girl in the Listerine commercial, where she has to use it for 30 seconds, and then she winks at the end. I have no idea what her name is.

I'm beginning to think that the turn signal must be optional equipment on newer model cars. It seems like no one has one anymore... Maybe they just haven't been properly trained on the extremely arduous process of moving the left hand in a up or down motion when it's at the 9 o'clock position on the steering wheel.

Apparently the House of Representatives has nothing better to do than rename french fries and french toast to freedom fries and freedom toast.

There's a very interesting article in the London Guardian newspaper detailing the capture of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. It seems that someone in al-Qaida sold him out for the $25 million reward. You can read about it here.

It seems to me that the reason the rest of the world doesn't want to oust Sadaam is all about the money. The French sold him illegal nuclear reactor parts, and they don't want to admit it, so they pretend that the war is not necessary and inspections are working fine. The Germans set up an illegal oil pipeline for him, so they pretend everything is fine... no problems here. The Russians are owed billions from past ventures, so they don't want to upset the apple cart and risk not getting their money. The Chinese sold him missile technology that was illegal for Iraq to have, so they don't want to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

There's an interesting policy happening in the world... they claim that the U.S. is taking a unilateral approach to Iraq. Hmmm, seems to me that there are quite a few countries supporting us in this unilateral approach... last I counted, it was something like 50. Then when it comes to North Korea, the world wants the United States to handle it by themselves. Why is that? Hmmm, I think it's because Europe is predominantly full of blowhards who will do and say anything to stay in power. What's that? Today the wind is blowing in favor of anti-war protests? I'm anti-war! Give peace a chance! What just happened? Now they want to oust Sadaam? Hey, I've wanted to oust him for 10 years! Oh, the anti-war people are back. The inspections are working! The inspections are working! Hmm, North Korea is making enriched Uranium? Bah, let the Americans handle it. What? The U.S. wants other countries to get involved in the situation? No way, they need to take care of it.

Whatever is convenient for them at the time is what they believe in. Most of the world leaders seem to have no backbone of their own. They have no right to bitch and complain about how we bring freedom, justice, and security to the world while at the same time enjoying the fruit of our efforts.

I've added a new attempt at humor based on government signs. They're supposed to be very serious, like what to do in the event of a chemical attack or something like that, but frankly, they look ridiculous, so I've added some new comments of my own. You can check out the page here.

I just got back from the Auto show, and unfortunately the G35 coupe is too uncomfortable for me. The bolsters on the seat are too tall for me. The sedan doesn't have that problem though, and the good news is that they just came out with a 6-speed in the sedan. It looks like they era of coupes for me may be coming to an end.

The world is entirely too serious a place currently. We're getting ready to take out Sadaam, and the North Korean leadership is trying their hardest to provoke us into attacking them so that they can then turn around and say to the world "Hey, look at the Americans, they're trying to conquer the world." The problem is that we're not falling for it, and I don't know how much more aggressive the North Koreans are going to get. It seems clear to me that their president is a complete lunatic. He doesn't care about the people living in his country, he only cares about his power. He's willing to literally starve his country to death to feed his ego. It's people like that that are the true problem in the world. Clinton made the huge mistake of basically paying Kim Jong-Il off in 1994, and that only made him more dangerous. He thinks that he can now get away with anything, because Clinton didn't have the backbone to stand up to him back then. I think that Kim Jong-Il is the type of person that would initiate a war with no regard to calamity that would follow.

All work and no play makes me something something. Go crazy? Don't mind if I do.

Based on suggestions, I am now the proud owner of a brand new pair of Russian brides named Svetlana Marie and Borschty Sue.

Must.....spend.......money.

Can't......decide.......what.........to............get.

Send help.

I read a quote about the Indians today that I thought was great... "This roster is so ugly, you could dip it in batter and make gorilla cookies."

I went to the Cavs game today. I had the best tickets I've ever had, and probably the best tickets I ever will have. I could've reached out and punched the ref in the back if I had wanted to. The first half was pretty good... they were down by 4 to Orlando at the end of the first half. Then at the end of the third quarter, they were down by 31.

Hey, you can't win 'em all.